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Saturday, November 21st, 2009
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10:21 am - Last.Fm rules!
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Can I just say how much Last.Fm rules? While I was staying with my parents, my fiance discovered that XBox is now letting you stream Last.Fm for free! Better yet, if you already have an account (naturally I did) they list all of your top artists' specific stations! I had forgotten how I'd linked my iTunes from my parents' computer to Last.Fm, so everything was right there. Of course, my man may have made a mistake telling me about this, since our music tastes don't always compliment each other. Just because I can, here are my top artists (in order of most played):
The Decemberists
Modest Mouse
Belle & Sebastian
Death Cab For Cutie
And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead
Rilo Kiley
Jenny Lewis
Wilco
Bright Eyes
Whiskeytown
Songs:Ohia
Interpol
Iron & Wine
Rasputina
Pavement
Apples In Stereo
Joanna Newsom
The Walkmen
The Killers
Hey Mercedes
Radiohead
Sufjan Stevens
The Postal Service
The Bravery
Morrissey
A.C. Newman
Idlewild
Andrew Bird
Cat Power
Silver Jews
Spoon
Neko Case
Arcade Fire
Neutral Milk Hotel
The Mountain Goats
Holly Golightly
Jets To Brazil
The Black Keys
The Shins
Magnolia Electric Co.
Azure Ray
Aqueduct
Bjork
Velvet Underground
Iron & Wine w/Calexico
Gnarls Barkley
Tori Amos
Superdrag
The Rapture
Ash
This makes for a lot of music listening, let me tell you! Beyond that, I'm back in LA for a few days before Thanksgiving and the best thing about it is being able to do a massive house cleaning. This house needs cleaning like nobody's business! Also, I finally saw Zack & Miri Make A Porno last night and it was quite funny. Not the best Kevin Smith movie necessarily (little can top Clerks or Clerks II for me!), but a nice effort. I can watch Seth Rogen in pretty much anything. Oink oink!
current mood:  calm
current music: jawbreaker - jet black
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(call me on your way back home)
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| Monday, November 16th, 2009
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4:22 pm - Seeing movies alone: apparently, the ultimate shame
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You know, I should really go to movies alone more often. It was not a concept I was that into, until I did it last weekend for the first time in ages. I saw An Education, which was excellent and highly recommended. The reason I enjoyed going alone so much was that as much as I love discussing movies with people (seriously, it's a pastime), I loved being able to just let my thoughts on the movie stir and simmer. I'll admit, it was also nice being able to swoon over Peter Sarsgaard without being mocked (it was all in my head, I swear!).
I don't know why seeing movies alone gets such a bad rap; I enjoy it as much as going with others. I also have a hard time finding movies that others want to see, which is not a new problem for me. I feel like most movies I discuss with people get the whole "What the hell is that?" treatment -- there is NOTHING wrong with indie movies, people! Oi vey. I went over to my BFF's house last night to watch a light and fluffy movie (and this girl has every romantic comedy ever made!) and afterward, her husband (who I've known forever) and I ended up watching the beginning of Bruno. I know that Sascha Baron Cohen is funny, but I was kind of grossed out by what I saw. It was a bit over the top, even for me.
Needless to say, I still need to see Boondock Saints II, Pirate Radio (someone has to swoon over Philip Seymour Hoffman, right?) and The Fantastic Mr. Fox before too long. It's been forever since there have been multiple movies out that I wanted to see! Squee!
current mood: calm
current music: andrew bird - fake palindromes
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(1 call | call me on your way back home)
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| Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
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9:42 pm - Colds suck, but Morrissey and Cliff Lee do not!
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I have quite a bit to say and I don't really know why. First off, colds kind of suck. I realize I'm lucky that it's not H1N1 (or whatever), but I haven't even been at my parent's house for a week...ugh. I forget how much even minor colds knock me on my ass. And how hard it is to sleep with a runny nose. Oi.
I've been hooked on Morrissey's "Live At Earl's Court" album lately, and I wish I knew why. Seriously. Sure, I'm glad to listen to it a lot and for once not think of an ex who gave it to me, but still...I just love me some live Morrissey, I guess. I was given a lot of music lately and inexplicably all I've wanted to listen to is that, Faith No More and Eagles Of Death Metal. I'm bizarre. I also came to the conclusion that I must be a bigger music snob than I thought -- I cannot read any music threads on the forums I'm on without wanting to hurl. I'm feeling a bit pathetic here!
The opening game of the World Series? AMAZING. Cliff Lee is so absolutely the man. I can say after having watched a LOT of baseball in my life, that I've never seen a postseason game like that. EVER. Sure, I hate the Yankees, but I did not expect him to pitch a whole game and walk one batter. I should be giving love to my main man Chase Utley (who has both skills and looks!), but Cliff Lee was epic. That's the only way I can describe it -- EPIC. Even if the Yankees slaughter the Phillies later on (and who cares if they do anyway? seriously, who?), that game will go down as one of the best, at least of the last ten years. That game is why I keep watching baseball, man.
Even though I've been sick this week and haven't done much, I did get somewhat of an education, thanks to the History Channel -- I learned about the history of cocaine! Thanks History Channel!
current mood:  sick
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(2 calls | call me on your way back home)
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| Sunday, October 25th, 2009
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8:17 am - "My only weakness is, well, nevermind...nevermind..."
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So it's been awhile, obviously, and while I'm sure very few people actually read this (I don't blame them!), I thought I'd update anyway. And to avoid all my entries being downers, I thought I'd try to update on the not-so-negative things going on right now. I decided, after a lot of thinking, to go back home to be with my family for a few weeks; it's not just about family, but about all the resources I have here that I don't have in LA -- friends, family, professional resources, horseback riding, etc...and I absolutely had to get out of LA, at least for awhile. Why so many people move there is perplexing to me, unless they live on the coast. Unfortunately, it would seem the places we want to live (Seal Beach, San Clemente, San Diego coast) are not feasible right now and being in landlocked LA is crappy, to say the least.
I figured if I didn't focus on myself right now and be somewhere more familiar, I wouldn't really be able to move forward through my grief and get better. Anyway, I've been at home for almost a week and so far it's been pretty great -- I've been able to reconnect with old(er) friends and through that, gotten a bunch of free music! A friend burned about 18 blank CD's worth of music for me on a DVD-R and while transferring it to iTunes wasn't fun, it's worth it. I got so many albums I'd lost, it's so great! Oh, and I also saw Where The Wild Things Are in IMAX and it almost made me cry -- so amazing. I'd highly recommend it to anyone who grew up on the book like I did. Here are the movies I'm hoping to see while I'm here:
Coco Chanel - Audrey Totou as Chanel is almost too good to be true!
Bright Star - Keats' life story as played through pretty younger actors should be interesting.
Boondock Saints II - Holy hell, I cannot WAIT for this!
The Fantastic Mr. Fox - Roald Dahl and Wes Anderson is such a fantastic combination! The animation looks great too.
It's been awhile since there's been more than one movie I've wanted to see out at once, so I'm going to take advantage of it!
current mood:  grateful
current music: morrissey - shoplifters of the world unite (live)
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(call me on your way back home)
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| Saturday, September 19th, 2009
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11:02 am - The one where I'm even more frustrated with Art Of The Mix...
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OK, so my last entry was also about Art Of The Mix, but now I have a specific bone to pick with them. *ahem* I realized that one of my favorite mixers on AOTM now lives near me, but of course I need to log in to send him a message...well, AOTM apparently doesn't think that any one of the three passwords I use for ALL of those sites is valid! Argh. And of course I don't have access to the e-mail address I used when I was on the site regularly, so sending me my password there is a moot issue.
So I was wondering if any fellow AOTM folks on here could help me out in getting a message to this mixer. It's not particularly important, but it would be nice to contact him and I'm not sure that re-registering would be a better move. Any thoughts? Suggestions?
current mood:  annoyed
current music: new end original - lukewarm
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(call me on your way back home)
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| Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
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9:16 am - What happened to Art Of The Mix?
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When I read a recent entry from an LJ friend about what had happened to the Art Of The Mix website, I was skeptical. Even though I hadn't regularly visited the site for quite some time, once in awhile I'd check in and at least see mixers I knew. The site had looked the same, the last time I visited. However, I checked it out the other day and was baffled.
First of all, they had completely changed the look of the site. Why? That's anyone's guess, as I couldn't figure out how the changes were making the site better. Secondly, after scrolling the recent mixes that had been posted, I realized I only recognized 2-3 of the usernames. Before the site change (whenever that was), I could count on knowing at least a good portion of the names on these mixes; now I feel like everyone I knew has left. Is this a coincidence? I doubt it. I just find it sad what has happened to the site in recent years, considering all that it used to be. I'm also finding that people on the site now are posting multiple mixes a day, as if taking over the site. I don't remember this being a problem before, really. Of course this discovery got me thinking of all the fond memories I have of AOTM and how involved I used to be with it. I've met some amazing people through that site (like the lot of you who are on here!) and while I still keep in touch with a few mixers, it still leaves me wishing the site were the way it used to be, with at least a small portion of the people I know on there. *sigh*
I know this rant is totally silly, but I couldn't help it; I have a lot of great memories associated with AOTM and to see what it's turned into now is such a shame.
current mood:  confused
current music: interpol - evil
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(9 calls | call me on your way back home)
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| Tuesday, June 30th, 2009
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9:11 pm - Nose in the books...
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Instead of my grief manifesting itself in the form of overeating, music obsessions or even things of a sexual manner, it has aroused my love of reading. I've read more books recently than I had in months, maybe even in the last entire year. I've done all sorts of genres too; chick-lit (bleck!), true crime novels, religious theory...there seems to be no end to it. Right now I'm completely enthralled by Dave Cullen's Columbine. It seems an odd choice for someone whose brother just died, but I'm fascinated with the material. It plays out a lot like In Cold Blood, one of my all-time favorite books, so I knew a true crime novel would be enjoyable. It's not easy reading, but I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to know what really happened at Colubine High ten years ago. While it wasn't something I wanted to know more about initially, I saw an interview with the author on TV recently and was immediately curious about it. So that, and a lot of Guitar Hero have been my stabilizers lately. Whatever 'works', right?
current mood:  drained
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(call me on your way back home)
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| Thursday, June 25th, 2009
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10:15 am - I've no words to share with anyone...
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The grief has come in waves during the last few days; I've been feeling like absolute hell. Whatever pain I was feeling during the last seven months my brother battled the cancer is nothing compared to how I feel now. I still don't know what feels worse; having watched him suffer through everything, essentially watching him die...or how I felt after he passed. My man has been amazing with me, willing to take almost another full week off of work (in addition to the week he missed when were just back home) just so I wouldn't be alone. I haven't wanted to get out of bed in the morning -- this is coming from someone who used to think 7:30 was late to get up. Now getting out of bed by 9 feels painful. I don't know how to go about this, I don't know how the grieving process works. The only other 3 people I've lost in my life haven't been family members, so it wasn't quite this intense. But to lose a member of an already small family is another matter. (My parents were both only children, so I have no blood Aunts or Uncles, just chosen ones.)
One of the only things getting me through the grief has been the kindness of my brother's friends. These are truly special people and I'm so grateful to them. It seems each time I can't think of being more overwhelmed by their words about Ian, I find another touching tribute. As weird as this sounds, I'm actually looking forward to the memorial next month. It'll give me a chance to get to know better all of the wonderful friends my brother has, since I already knew painfully few of them. The ones I have met recently have been pretty exceptional people, really.
Now I have a whole host of weird cravings: to dye my hair a darker color; to make mix tapes again; to spend most of my days in bed; Dying my hair a darker color I equate to what women do after a bad break-up, to get away from themselves and make a new start. Maybe that's what my craving means; I want to get away from myself and how I'm feeling so much that dying my hair feels right. That's not weird...right?
current mood: depressed
current music: death cab for cutie - all different names for the same thing
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(1 call | call me on your way back home)
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| Saturday, May 30th, 2009
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10:31 pm - The Supernatural, Kevin Smith and cheesecake...
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So, I briefly mentioned in the last entry about getting word that I was moving back to my home area in the Fall. (Well not I, but 'we', really) With only about four months left in LA, I thought of a list of things I felt I still needed to do/see before I leave SoCal forever:
- Stay in Gram Parsons' room at the Joshua Tree Inn
- Visit the LA location of Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash
- Visit the San Diego Zoo and Wildlife Animal Park
- See a baseball game at Dodger Stadium (you read that right!)
- Use up the rest of our gift certificate for the Cheesecake Factory :P
That may seem like a short list, but none of those things are particularly easy to acomplish. First, I have to figure out where in LA Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash is (since it's not in Santa Monica anymore, apparently), which won't be easy. Getting tickets to a Dodger game in the summer won't be easy or cheap and I might get sick from too much cheesecake. Heh. The only two absolute things on that list for me are the first two. And anyone who thinks it's weird that I want to stay in the room that Gram Parsons died in at the Joshua Tree Inn can bite me!
p.s.
after living at our house for over a year, I just discovered tonight that our neighbors like Guitar Hero more than I do! what are the odds?
current mood:  busy
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(call me on your way back home)
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| Friday, May 29th, 2009
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4:29 pm - Go to sleep now, my darlin'...
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I feel the need to write an entry in tribute to Jay Bennett -- I'm not really sure why exactly, I just do. Even though a lot of good things happened throughout my week-long trip home (like moving back there by the Fall! yayness!), hearing the news of Jay Bennett's death halfway through my trip saddened me quite a bit. When I saw I Am Trying To Break Your Heart for the first time, I fell for what the filmmaker intended -- that Jay Bennett was a spoiled, whiny egomaniac who deserved to be booted from Wilco (I was deeply a Jeff Tweedy girl anyhow). Now that he's gone, however, I have to feel differently. Part of what made Wilco's second album, Being There, so good was Jay Bennett's heavy involvement. If you look at the liner notes of that album, you'll see Jay's name appear almost as much as Jeff Tweedy's. Listen to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and his major involvement is very obvious. Even though the camera never lies, if I watch the documentary again, I'll find that it was cleverly edited as to make Jeff Tweedy the all-knowing messiah and Jay Bennett the lesser asshole. I only saw the Wilco Jay Bennett was in once in 2003, opening for R.E.M. Jay had an undeniable energy and focus while on stage that was hard to ignore. And even though I was sad to hear of his passing, I immediately thought of all the good memories that early Wilco represents for me -- particularly a relationship I hadn't thought about for a long time. I hope he gets the recognition he deserves.
current mood:  contemplative
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(1 call | call me on your way back home)
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| Wednesday, May 20th, 2009
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10:38 am - Move on, move on, there's no point in waiting...
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It's amazing to me how certain songs, or even albums, can be like time machines for me. By that I mean, that they can instantly transport me to another time and place. Case in point, Whiskeytown's "Pneumonia" album. Listening to that instantly takes me back to living in Santa Rosa, circa 2004. I remember as clear as day the first time I heard that album -- I bought it at my favorite record store and listened to it on the drive back to my apartment on a particularly rainy day. Maybe it was in part due to the dreary weather, but that drive back listening to "Pneumonia" really stuck with me. I remember thinking it was a pretty amazing album at the time and while I still enjoy it today, its impact has diminished since that first listen five years ago. Another good example is the Wilco song "Misunderstood". It was the first time I ever heard Wilco, back while I was living in Virginia in 2002. I heard it in the middle of a mix CD and stopped dead in my tracks when the vocals started. I remember thinking, "That's the most glorious song I've ever heard! I think this song just changed my life!" And I was right. Almost seven years later, my love affair with Wilco (mainly Jeff Tweedy, I admit) continues. It's really fun to think about these things. It certainly helps to lift my spirits.
Now back to debating whether or not to continue reading my Christopher HItchens book or finally start packing for my trip home this weekend...
current music: azure ray - new resolution
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(2 calls | call me on your way back home)
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| Sunday, May 10th, 2009
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9:37 pm - 'All the fuckers in the house say "yeah"!'
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I decided to declare all Sundays from now on as Tenacious D day at my house. That is all. Back to your regularly scheduled programming...
current music: tenacious d- explosivo
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(2 calls | call me on your way back home)
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| Thursday, August 14th, 2008
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2:53 pm - The positive and negative entry!
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Here's my life, as of late, in lovely positive/negative form. Damn you, South Park, for permanently linking that phrase to the "check minus" idea. Sheeesh.
+ The SO and I are going to NYC for Labor Day. Yay! My first time there. EVER. I'm majorly psyched!
+ Saw Pinneapple Express the other night. Effin' hilarious, though certainly not for everyone. Ya'll know what crowd you are who will dig it. Those you won't? Don't touch it with a 10 foot pole! Is it me, or has Seth Rogen become exponentially (sp?) cuter throughout his films?
+ Old Navy. Apparently the best place for cheap, 100% cotton button-down shirts. Why are they $20 and they're $40 elsewhere for the exact same thing??
+ Forum meet-up in Anaheim this weekend. I need a testosterone break like no one's business! Horray. It'll be fun.
+ SO and I went to our first Angels game the other weekend. It was really fun! Concessions and parking are so much cheaper here than at a Giants or A's game that I almost cried. Seriously. It's almost ridiculous! But it was fun to heckle the Yankees, anyhow, especially since the Angels won. AGAIN. Booooyah. We're going to another Angels game next week. Wohooo.
- Finding a place to board the dog in two weeks' time. See why I don't want kids? I feel like I already HAVE ONE. I had no idea boarding a dog was so effin' complicated! :(
- Finding a vet clinic open on weekends to get said dog updated on vaccinations. Why my SO leaves this to the last minute is beyond me. GRRRR.
- Figuring out what to pack for said NYC trip. As much as I'm looking forward to this trip, I kind of wish it hadn't been sprung on us at the last minute. Or, rather, I wish SO had thought a little more about all that had to be done in such a short period of time!
Hard to believe at this time in two weeks I'll be in NYC. It's kind of nuts. I just wish the preparation for the trip weren't so stressful! Gah!!
current mood: stressed
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(call me on your way back home)
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| Thursday, August 7th, 2008
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10:58 am - Baseball games, The Hills and other oddities...
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Let's see, what's been going on around here lately....
- Saw Dark Knight again but on IMAX last night. Wow! Truly amazing movie to see on IMAX, especially since it was the first time I'd seen anything on IMAX. Kick ass.
- Major heat wave going on in the early days of August around here. Not cool. I wasn't prepared for it to get 100 again, thank you.
- Been going back to the gym again, which isn't so fun, but I need to. Hope that gets a bit easier.
- My poor Jeep has needed more and more repairs lately, which just reiterates how badly my mom took care of the thing. Damn.
- Am fighting off the urge to go on a shopping spree at Sephora. Must. Replace. Old. Makeup.
- Angels/Yankees game this weekend -- Yay! I'm so excited. This makes up for not having watched baseball on cable for four months!
- The boy and I are trying to decide when to see Pinneapple Express. We might have an easier time getting into it than we think, but we're definitely going. Oh hell yes.
- Am fighting off another urge to buy The Hills season 3 on DVD that just came out. Why is this my guilty pleasure show? WHY??
- Since the boy and I are going back home to visit during Labor Day, I wonder when this proposal is happening....the boy says he's gotten "writer's block" about it. WTF does that mean, exactly? Oi. I just want the beautiful ring already, damn it!
Back to your regularly, more interesting scheduled programming...
current mood: contemplative
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(1 call | call me on your way back home)
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| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008
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1:40 pm - The list of things just keeps getting longer and longer...
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If I were to have a mantra for my life as of late, it would have to be, "I'M SO BEHIND!!" Seriously, this is no joke!
I finally finished the mix trade that the lovely ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) cblaze allowed me to participate in and sent it off today. Do I have an excuse for the delay? Not really. Then there's the fact that when the SO and I went to San Diego last weekend, he had planned to effin' propose but did I see that coming? Of course not! *bangs head against wall* In his typical, vague fashion, he had subtly tried to convince me to walk along the water by the docks and go to this certain restaurant and he of course only told me later that he had planned to propose! Sheesh. And during this entire time, he let me convince him that we should try to see The Dark Knight at the local mall theatre because it would be less packed there and, of course, we did. It was a brilliant, fantastic movie and completely worth it (especially since there were no lines!), but when he told me all of this minor information later that night, did I feel like an idiot!
Add to that the fact that I sent a friend of mine a very belated birthday care package (2 weeks anyone?) today and that I'm just getting started on another music are package for another friend and well...yeah. I'm kind of pathetic over here. *hides under desk* I could always blame it on the seemingly permanent LA summer heat, but I can't really. And then when I think about all of things that the SO and I still need to get before we make our next trip back home, it kind of depresses me:
- a real fridge. we CANNOT go another day with a piddly, baby-sized one.
- working air conditioner. it's getting kind of silly now.
- a printer. we cannot survive without one. period.
- a vaccum cleaner. all of our shit + dog = evilness.
- my car serviced and washed. it's a disgrace, even if I do have a 10-year old Jeep. it sounds all kinds of tired.
- cable. I didn't think we'd be living off our DVD collection for four months, thank you! oi. I need my baseball. STAT.
And while I am absolutely, completely thrilled (trust me!) that my boy bought me a goregous, jaw-dropping engagement ring, part of me wonders why he spent the $ on that and we're still without the aforementioned items. *scratches head* I do adore this man, but I wonder sometimes...
current mood: busy
current music: Death Cab For Cutie - We Laugh Indoors
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(call me on your way back home)
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| Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
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10:38 am
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I thought since my last few entries have been heavy, if not at least loaded, I thought I'd make a list of the things I'd like to do this year now that I'm living in an area like LA where these things are finally possible. I'd love to hear what other people's lists are in this vein, too, so please share!
- Attend at least two Angels baseball games before the season is over. This is a fucking MUST at this point. And god forbid if the Angels make the playoffs, seeing some of games later in year would be all kinds of amazing too. A Padres game would also not be out of the question.
- Make a trip out to Joshua Tree and be able to see the hotel room where Gram Parsons died some thirty years ago. Rest assured this would NOT be the only reason to go out there, but it is something I've wanted to do for a very long time. Again, blame Chuck Klosterman for this one.
- Attend as many horse shows in the Southern California area as possible to get myself acclimated with them again. Looks like trips to Del Mar and Burbank are in order and hopefully one to San Juan Capistrano.
- Go to as many concerts as I can, varying from the tiny college venues in Pomona to the Hollywood Bowl in LA.
- Check out as many record stores and book stores in this area as possible. Again, this is a MUST.
- Stick to my projected list of books to read for this year, as I am pathetically behind right now on it.
- Make a trip out to Death Valley and Lone Pine. I miss both places so much and god help me I'll take advantage of being four hours away from them now instead of almost 10 like I was before!
- Stay at the Hotel Del Coranado in the San Diego area. It's reportedly haunted and since the boy has turned me into a Ghost Hunters junkie and we're only 2 hours away from it, this would be totally kick ass.
- Make sure we set up a real guest room/den in our house. We just have to get another IKEA fold-out sofa (the one we already have is fantastic) and a stand for the second TV, along with a decent DVD player and we're set. Besides the guest room aspect of it, there's only so many times I can watch Venture Brothers you know? Crickey.
- Visit as many beaches in this area as I can, mainly because there are SO MANY FUCKING MANY. Holy toledo, batman! If Huntington Beach is any indication, I'm in serious trouble...and if how much I remember loving the Santa Monica pier is any indication...
I believe that's a pretty hefty list thus far. And can I just say how amazing our first night of engagement ring shopping was last night? Oh lordy. The first place we went into, the saleswoman asked us, "So, are you two getting engaged?" And I swear, my heart literally stopped and I probably physically reacted. It was amazing, but also sorta freaky. But it really did go well and with how that trip went, we fully expect to find the perfect ring well before this month is over. *jumps up and down* I found some real beauties last night that I fell in love with that not only looked really good on me, but wouldn't force us to eat Top Ramen for six months afterward! And as many people have said, the type of ring I *thought* I wanted didn't look nearly as good on me as I thought it would, and the type I didn't think would, I loved 10 times more and looked infinitely better on me. Horrah! And the one my boy picked out for me to try that I missed...I knew he had taste, but WHOA....my boy really has taste. *fans self* Getting off my sappy/lame soapbox now. The LaLa land express is still running full speed ahead. Excuse me!
current mood: hopeful
current music: a.c. newman - miracle drug
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(1 call | call me on your way back home)
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| Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
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2:03 pm - This is five kinds of surreal...
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Please someone tell me that I won't wake up from my current life as it has been for the past week. It is absolutely surreal in every way that if an alarm were to go off right now and it were a dream...while initially, I'd be pissed, it would be okay...because it would've been one hell of a dream. In short, my boyfriend told me not only that he wanted to marry me someday (swoon much?), but that he wanted to marry within the next 4-5 years. This might not seem like a big deal to most, until you consider the fact that we both have always wanted to get married at the exact same age (early 30's). How many couples can honestly say that they agree on that? For as far back as I can remember, I've never once wanted to get married before the age of 30. I never not only felt mature enough to handle marriage before that age, but I always felt like there was so much I wanted to do before I got married and I always wanted to enjoy my 20's too much...I didn't like the thought of being married and having that kind of responsiblity and maturity on my shoulders.
It also appears that we completely agree on everything involving our (potential) wedding plans. I've never in my life been a big wedding person. Growing up, I was always that weird girl who never dreamt of her "big wedding". I never wanted the big, lavish wedding. It's just not me, nor will it ever be. I'm the girl who wants the unique (but in no way expensive, trust me!) engagement ring that holds special significance to my potential future husband and I rather than blow the money on a big, expensive wedding that only lasts a day. He and I have decided that we will, whenever that is, elope and only invite those most important to us to witness it. For me, that's my parents, my brothers, my best friend and her husband (who I grew up with and who is also good friends with my boyfriend). For him, that's his parents, his sister and his great grandfather. That's it. We're saving our money for a destination honeymoon, probably (fingers crossed!) either Hawaii or Australia.
I can't wrap my head around the fact that essentially the man of my fucking dreams, who I love more than anyone in the entire world (who I never thought would be the type to be the man of my dreams, hence the shock!) told me wants to marry me and then on top of all of that, we want to do it all in the same way. (!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?) I don't know what I did to deserve all of this, but whatever it is, I won't question it and continue to do whatever it is I've been doing. I hate to say this, but...have I become one of those girls I used to make fun of? One of those girls who gushes about getting married when I used to think most of the marriages around me were either staged or forced? *looks around and hides under a desk* I guess this is what love does to you, eh? Oi fucking vey.
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: wilco - the late greats
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(call me on your way back home)
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| Saturday, June 28th, 2008
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8:12 am - Death: the ultimate trigger.
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Death is a weird thing. The other night I went out to dinner with a former co-worker and dear friend of mine and the subject came up, since a close family friend who was also my father's law partner was murdered almost a year and a half ago. Essentially where I'm from is a very small community where nothing like this ever happens and it happened over a meaningless property dispute. Because this close friend hadn't been following the news and I've been home visiting, she'd asked how the case had been going. I explained to her how the second or third morning I was home, I had read an article about the case because the guy who murdered this friend has an arraignment coming up and they are about to start jury selection -- I read the article and immediately broke down...it all came flooding back to me; memories of the memorial service, the fact that one of my dad's best friends and law partners of 30 years was needlessly murdered and that my dad found this out on his birthday was too much for me. And the fact that this man was a close family friend of ours and one of the kindest, most talented people I'd ever met...was overwhelming.
The strangest thing about all of this is how even though it's been a year and a half since this friend's death, it feels like it's been years. And it got me to thinking (since my friend and I had discussed this over dinner that night) about how everything I experience seems to be a delayed reaction. I didn't cry at the memorial service; for god's sake, there were news cameras at this service, that's how beloved this man was to the community. He was one of the most talented, beloved lawyers and people in the entire county. (And one of my dad's closest friends) In the year and a half since his death, the experience has literally aged my dad about 10 years (He's 62 and has always looked 10 years younger than he is). He's dealt with a ridiculous amount of death in his life (he lost his dad when he was 13), more than anyone should ever have to deal with; but this was a big one. What it's done to him worries me every single day, especially since I've moved so far away recently. And that's precisely why I broke down when I came home and read this article -- being far away the past few months had left me far removed from it.
I've been exceptionally lucky in my life thus far to have only lost three close people to me, especially considering I'm 26; I know that. But when I talked with my former co-worker the other night about this recent death, I of course talked about the other big one (not that the first big death I dealt with was small, but I hadn't known him as long). The other death I dealt with at the end of 2004 was one I've completely shoved inside me essentially since it happened (I didn't want to deal with it because I didn't think I could) and I only realized the other night how difficult it was for me to talk about.
Let me preface this by saying that the competitive horseback riding world is not a tight knit community of people; if you find a small but loyal circle of friends in it who you can trust and love, you hold onto them. I was fortunate enough to have found such a circle since I was about 8 or 9 years old and as a result, became as close to the mothers of my friends as I was to the kids themselves (They were all of our mothers, essentially, it was like a second family). One of these mothers was a woman who was older than the rest of them by about ten years and she was an exceptional woman; fiery, humorous, incredibly kind, generous and amazing. Despite her living more than two hours away from us, I spent a lot of my childhood at her house with her, her daughter and her husband (her husband is also a fantastic person). I have wonderful memories of this that I will keep with me forever -- but this mother in particular was my personal favorite, she was incredibly special. A few years before 2004, long after all of us kids had stopped horseback riding, we found out this mother had gotten breast cancer; of course we were worried, but we thought she had lucked out because they removed the lump pretty early and she went into remission pretty quickly after her chemo. Well, in 2004, it came back and it came back with a vengence. It attacked her entire body, including her brain. The doctors said she had less than six months to live and within that six months, she died. Because of the way she was, she didn't want to be a burden on anyone, so her daughter, son and now-ex husband (they divorced a few years before this) were the only ones she allowed to see when she was in the hospital. Despite being divorced, her ex-husband had been amazing to her during this time; he really stepped up and was incredible and I will always be grateful to him for that and so had her son. The one consulation I take away from this woman's death is that the last time I saw her, she was in remission and was healthy and happy (and very positive about the whole cancer experience). The last time I saw her was the day my mom and I were leaving to go to Ireland for two weeks in 2001. It's weird to think that I had no idea that at that time, I had no idea I'd never see her again. But I will always be grateful for having experienced that. A lot of people can't say that about losing someone close to them, but I can. And that's comforting.
However, there was her daughter (and my former close childhood friend) to consider. During this time and a few years before, she had become a serious drug addict; meth and heroin were her poisons of choice. She had stolen money from her parents and ran away from home. She was nowhere near the passionate, but always kind of troubled girl I knew. The rest of us knew she'd fallen into the wrong crowd somehow and had kept our distance for a long time and that was hard; you never expect someone who, while always a bit problematic, to throw their life away so destructively and so quickly like that. And this was of course, a person who was brilliant and had potential for all kinds of great things. I'll always remember the memorial service reception for this mother well; we hadn't seen her daughter in many years and she was still using at the time. She had tried rehab several times, unsuccessfully, and her poor father had basically given up on her. (So had her brother, who is also a fantastic guy)
Sadly, because we were all in different parts of the state and country at the time, the group of us were not all able to attend the reception, but one of my favorite people in our group of friends was still in the immediate area. In hindsight, she was probably the best person for me to be with at the reception. I did not want to see this mother's daughter and wanted nothing to do with her; I was completely okay with avoiding her and wanted more to see people from the horse world I hadn't seen in years -- not under the best circumstances, of course, but still...there were people I wanted to see, and there were, and I'm so grateful for that. I was able to connect, in particular, with someone I hadn't expected to see and who I missed greatly. Anywho, this friend who went with me, forced me to talk to this mother's daughter. It was everything I could do to not throw her off the balcony or scream at the top of my lungs at her; but my friend Jill knew I had to do this. She was a few years older than me and very wise and knew it had to be done. I wanted so much to scream to her, "How dare you do this to two of the best parents on the planet who did nothing but support and love you!! You are dispicable and don't deserve shit!" And then just throw her off the balcony. I was tapping into an anger for her I hadn't expected to experience at the time and wasn't used to; but it was there. This girl had experienced a childhood and the kind of loving parents that I never had (though I love my parents dearly) that I would've killed to have and she was incredibly ungrateful for it. The talk with this girl was brief and I was glad it was over with quickly.
When I went back into the reception, everyone around us was crying; hell, Jill was, and she never gets emotional. She was Ms. Unemotional. It was very strange. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. This was a memorial service reception for an incredibly beloved woman and I felt like the only one who didn't cry. We didn't stay at the reception long because we had to go to dinner afterwards and we all had long drives back to where we lived, but we wanted to pay our respects and see how this mother's ex-husband and son were doing. I hadn't seen either of them in far too long and they are such wonderful, amazing people and that, despite the awful circumstances, I wanted to see again. As we were walking out (and this was in the ex-husband's apartment, by the way), I saw a picture of one of the daughter's old ponies she used to ride. He was always a personal favorite of mine (one I would've killed to have, because they had more money than we did) and one the daughter never really liked. I caught a glimpse of him and broke down. That was all it took for me to finally react...it was an odd trigger, to say the least. Triggers for these things are weird. I remember several months later, randomly crying about her death a few times, but shrugging it off and never letting myself grieve. I'm not entirely sure I ever did fully let myself grieve it.
I'll never forget the phone call I got from my mom telling me she had died. I was driving on the freeway at the time, living about 3 hours from home and after she told me, I said, "No, you're lying. That's not true. SHE WAS FINE A YEAR AGO. NO. NO. NO." And instead of crying, I was incredibly angry. I cried later that day, but initially, I was mad. I was mad that I lived in a world where one of my favorite people in the whole world had not only died, but in such an unfair way. I still am angry and, chances are, always will be. And I believe that her death is why I haven't been able to seriously ride a horse in almost four years. It's still too painful. I recently found out that my former childhood friend has been clean and sober for two years and has apparently gotten her life back together; but when I found out, I realized that I didn't really care because of the pain she put her parents through for so long. It was no comfort to me. (It might've been to her father and brother, but not to me)
I only write all of this because it needs to be out of my system, it needs to out so I can heal from it. I expect no one to read it, because frankly, well...it's kind of a novel, isn't it? But I needed to do it. If anyone did read it, kudos to you. And I know some of you (Elfslut, I'm thinking of you) have dealt with death that's 100 times harder than I have, and for that, I'm incredibly sorry. I can't imagine what that's like. You have my ultimate sympathy for that. If I don't think I'll ever get over two recent deaths that weren't even relatives of mine, I can't imagine ever getting over those kinds of deaths. My thoughts are with you every day.
current mood:  angry
current music: the decemberists - yankee bayonet
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(call me on your way back home)
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| Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
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12:22 pm - Odds, ends and slim pickings
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I thought I'd change things up and align my most prevelent thoughts in list form: (I know no one reads this, but what the hay)
- The worst thing about living in Los Angeles: the fear that I will one day wake up and be a blonde. Completely by accident.
- Why does half of my home county have to burn down when I come home to visit? Seriously? WTF? This is five kinds of insane.
- I recently found happiness in the best nachos in the state of CA and watching Jonathan Sanchez pitch. Nerd alert!
- While I'm all for getting help for my (newly named) condition, I don't like walking around with a miniature pharmacy in my purse. I have a firm belief that despite the fact that while everything I have is legal, that I will be hunted down and questioned thoroughly. Me, medicated? What has the world come to?
- Unexpected text phone sex kicks ass. I highly recommend it. It totally works.
- The more I read through this Chuck Klosterman book again, the more tempted I am to convince my boyfriend that me having two husbands is okay. Yowza!
- Does anyone else miss sleep deprivation? Because I don't!
- Words cannot express how much I've missed the show Baseball Tonight. And I could care less how much of a nerd that makes me look and what a small percentage of the female population gets that.
- Funniest new show discovery: Lucy, Daughter Of The Devil on Adult Swim. We have Season 1 on XBox. I pray there's a Season 2, because the pilot episode alone merits at least two more seasons. That is some seriously hilarious shit. But it's not necessarily...for everyone. Heh. If any of ya'll like Home Movies though, check it out.
- I need to stop watching Family Guy re-runs on TBS because my crush on Seth McFarlane is downright embarassing. Ugh.
- I know this is purely a woman thing, but it needs to be stated for my own personal record: giddiness is wearing a certain size of clothing you haven't been able to wear in over 3 years. For real. Man oh man.
And finally,
- Whilst in the car this morning, I listened to The Decemberists' Her Majesty and was able to re-live the entire concert experience I attended from 2005 and it was awesome. They put on a fucking killer show. I hope they still do.
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(call me on your way back home)
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| Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
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10:02 am - Chuck Klosterman, will you marry me?
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I just started re-reading Killing Yourself To Live by Chuck Klosterman and I can safely say that I've fallen in love with him again. Damn. If ya'll haven't read that book, seriously go read it. NOW. And by the by, I've been obsessed with Loaded by The Velvet Underground since I came home to visit and I have no idea why. Why is this album so amazing? And why do the Giants continue to suck? It's breaking my heart.
current mood: calm
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(2 calls | call me on your way back home)
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